Finding the ? ? to blog

I had such big plans for my blog when I began. I would write at least every other day and tell about my experiences, struggles, victories, and joys. I can't even claim that I don't have time because it's been more about interest -- well not really interest, how can I put it?

If you have a blog you will probably understand. Some days I think about posting and my thoughts just don't seem important enough so I put it off and before I know it weeks have passed.

Therefore, I will begin again and let my mind wander, my thoughts form, and my fingers type. Dan and I visited Rachel and Marcus over spring break and we watched the movie, "Fireproof". It's story could have mirrored my marriage or yours -- it's message was one many of us have learned over the years, but few have put into action.

We who have endeavored to navigate the complex issues of the marriage relationship realize over and over that no one can honestly claim to have arrived at the solution. A successful marriage is not a destination but an ongoing process.

We have been married for 31 years and I am still amazed at the things we learn about each other. If I were asked to pick one piece of marriage advice I would borrow the words of George S. Benson as he was often heard to say in his raspy voice, "You just need to keep on keeping on". He was talking about life but it surely fits marriage too.

Keep on keeping on. Simple words, and yet at times an almost insurmountable challenge.

My husband has supported me in so many ways. I hope I can do justice as I try to put it into words.

Around 1990 (or shortly after) I began to struggle with depression, anxiety, self-doubt. I was so unhappy and I was sure my husband was the source of pain. I can smile now as I look back. I was determined that we were going to counseling and he was "going to get fixed". He reluctantly accompanied me and I was unpleasantly dismayed after a few weeks of visits when the counselor gently suggested that I had some issues we needed to address first. Dan was off the hook and didn't even have to come with me!

It wasn't long before I was facing a myriad of painful emotions resulting from a severely abusive childhood. Like most children and then later as adults, I had relegated my experiences into the category of "everybody's life was like that". It was a long and grueling process to healing which included a period where I had pretty much shut down. If it hadn't been for Dan's support and the help of really good counselors, I think I would have spiraled down and required one or more periods of hospitalization. My journey was overwhelming at times, the pain seemed more than I could bear. I began the journey for my children - I knew that my emotional health was something that my children deserved. They deserved a mother that could give her best to them. Somewhere along the journey I realized that I too deserved the healing that would bring peace to my life.

As I continued on this journey, I became less and less able to handle the daily stresses of life and parenting. My husband stepped up and took over mothering and fathering for about a year. Every night I could hear him reassuring our kids that mom was going to be ok. He talked with them, had Bible study time nightly, and answered their questions the best he could. God helped him cope and helped me work through the process to healing.

My next major challenge was to put my degree to use and find a teaching job. Our kids were in Jr High I think. I had graduated in May of 1990 with my BS in Education and it was now 1995 and I began my search for an elementary teaching position. I did a lot of substitute teaching and finally was hired in 1998. I was a bit overwhelmed as a first year teacher. One of my children was a senior in high school and I did my best to balance senior activities with my job responsibilities. My husband was very supportive and helped me in any way I asked.

I should be clear here just in case I have given distorted picture. We continued to have our times of peace and times of conflict and misery. We both had selfish periods of time and had to re-adjust our focus repeatedly.

My next major challenge began around 2001. I began to have neurological symptoms that came and went. It was frightening. I didn't understand what was happening. Both of our children were in college by this time. I went to doctors and had tests run but no answers. I missed months of school. My symptoms progressed until I was unable to walk more than a few steps and had to use a wheelchair. This was the summer of 2003. I finally located a neurologist who did a thorough workup and diagnosed me with multiple sclerosis in August, 2003. He immediately put me in the hospital and treated me with IV solumedrol for 5 days. It worked! I was able to walk again and didn't need my wheelchair. My MS progressed with repeated flare-ups every 8-9 months. The IV treatments would help every time but not quite as much as the last time. Eventually, the treatment didn't help and I continued to use my wheelchair.

My husband wanted me to quit my job because he was concerned about my health. I knew that if I quit my job, I would battle with depression. He decided that if I was going to continue working, he would take over some of the duties at home. He began doing the cooking, grocery shopping and laundry. Then he added the cleaning! Like I said before, he has been very supportive of me.

Classroom teaching began to be too much for me physically, even with my hubby taking care of everything at home. God opened a door and I was given an opportunity to take the counselor's job at my school. What a blessing! The only catch was that I had to get my Master's degree in school counseling over a 3 year period. I started that summer and went full-time for two years while working full-time. I was on auto-pilot. I started having chronic bronchitis so that entailed at least one hospital stay each semester. I had to settle for a "B" in at least one class each semester. I didn't really care by now. I was more interested in what I learned and how I used it as I counseled students at school.

My next challenge was to deal with the 80 pounds I had gained from so many steroid treatments. At the beginning of 2008 I was 210 pounds! I couldn't believe it! Since I was in a wheelchair, I didn't have the option of exercise. We didn't have a pool and the Harding pool was too warm for me. (heat sensitivity is one the many symptoms of MS). I decided that I was going to limit my calories and over the next year I lost over 60 pounds.

I clearly remember Dan saying to me, "I don't think there is anything you can't do once you set your mind to do it" I'll admit it really felt good to hear him say that.

Working as a counselor was a dream job for me. It was not demanding physically and it was very rewarding. I've been blessed to be able to work several more years, resting up in the summers. This last year has been somewhat different. I have been extremely fatigued. I've had to consider the possibility of filing for disability. This is a struggle. I want to keep working but I can't live just to work. I have spent the last 3 months working and sleeping. I work, come home, rest, and go to sleep. I sleep most of Saturday and Sunday. I will be done in 2 days. This is hard for me. I have to face it but very slowly.

Goodness, I have rambled on and on! If you have read this far, you are a loyal reader.

Pictures coming soon of Rachel's visit.