I love you Nanna!

Rachel brought the boys for a visit several weeks ago and I am just now posting about it. She was very brave to drive here by herself with two little ones and I am a very grateful Nanna.

As she pulled in, I walked out and waved at the boys in their car seats. Caleb is old enough that he remembers me between visits. Ethan recently turned a year old and I didn't expect him to remember me from our last visit but he had just a hint of a smile and locked eyes with me through his window. I knew I would be pushing it to get him out of the car so I waved to him and then went to help Caleb out of the car.

One of my first thoughts (which I did not say aloud) was, "I really hate that after such a long drive, I can't even help Rachel bring in her things". We all went inside and after a little while, I was perfectly happy to entertain both boys while she unloaded the car. Ethan, however, was not going to let his mama out of sight. She tried to slip out and and we all followed Ethan as he trotted after her and wailed indignantly for her to come back.

If I had thought fast enough, I'm sure I could have diverted Ethan's attention with the offer of food. He is still the most amazing little eater. Even if he starts before everyone else, he is likely to be asking for more as everyone else finishes. He has eyes like an eagle for spotting any possible portion of food anywhere on the table or counter and if he thinks it's something that we haven't yet offered to him, he immediately points, looks plaintively at each of us while he says "dat" or "more" or "please". What's really funny is when he's just finished a meal and someone else is just beginning or is eating a snack. He isn't hungry but he loves to eat so he will ask and keep asking. I told him it was up to his mama. (I didn't have the heart to tell him no).

Here is Ethan asking to eat again and it hasn't been very long since dinner.

Ethan just adores Caleb he wants to do whatever Caleb is doing. I spent a lot of time on the floor playing with both boys and reading. I had brought paint home so we could paint rocks and Ethan was happy as long as he had a paint brush and a rock. He didn't notice the lack of paint. Caleb loved mixing all the colors with each rock he painted. We had lots of fun.  Caleb had fun discovering the push/pull characteristics of magnets.

By the 2nd day, Caleb was cuddling with me and more than once said, "Nanna, I really love you". Yep, it melted my heart. I was totally taken by surprise however, when Ethan ran up and hugged me. I looked at Rachel and I realized at the same moment that she said it, "Ethan wants to do whatever Caleb does".  I didn't care, it was just so sweet.

We went to a nearby playground one afternoon. Here are some of the highlights.
All little boys are drawn to puddles like a magnets and these guys were no different. Caleb began throwing rocks into the puddle and of course,  Ethan wanted to be big like his brother so got his own rock to toss in the puddle. Caleb loves to kick a soccer ball so after he kicked the ball, Ethan gave it all he had to try to reach the ball before Caleb could retrieve it. I love it that Ethan is always so proud of his effort even if he doesn't succeed! We had such a good time. Grandkids are one the great blessings of life.

Finding the ? ? to blog

I had such big plans for my blog when I began. I would write at least every other day and tell about my experiences, struggles, victories, and joys. I can't even claim that I don't have time because it's been more about interest -- well not really interest, how can I put it?

If you have a blog you will probably understand. Some days I think about posting and my thoughts just don't seem important enough so I put it off and before I know it weeks have passed.

Therefore, I will begin again and let my mind wander, my thoughts form, and my fingers type. Dan and I visited Rachel and Marcus over spring break and we watched the movie, "Fireproof". It's story could have mirrored my marriage or yours -- it's message was one many of us have learned over the years, but few have put into action.

We who have endeavored to navigate the complex issues of the marriage relationship realize over and over that no one can honestly claim to have arrived at the solution. A successful marriage is not a destination but an ongoing process.

We have been married for 31 years and I am still amazed at the things we learn about each other. If I were asked to pick one piece of marriage advice I would borrow the words of George S. Benson as he was often heard to say in his raspy voice, "You just need to keep on keeping on". He was talking about life but it surely fits marriage too.

Keep on keeping on. Simple words, and yet at times an almost insurmountable challenge.

My husband has supported me in so many ways. I hope I can do justice as I try to put it into words.

Around 1990 (or shortly after) I began to struggle with depression, anxiety, self-doubt. I was so unhappy and I was sure my husband was the source of pain. I can smile now as I look back. I was determined that we were going to counseling and he was "going to get fixed". He reluctantly accompanied me and I was unpleasantly dismayed after a few weeks of visits when the counselor gently suggested that I had some issues we needed to address first. Dan was off the hook and didn't even have to come with me!

It wasn't long before I was facing a myriad of painful emotions resulting from a severely abusive childhood. Like most children and then later as adults, I had relegated my experiences into the category of "everybody's life was like that". It was a long and grueling process to healing which included a period where I had pretty much shut down. If it hadn't been for Dan's support and the help of really good counselors, I think I would have spiraled down and required one or more periods of hospitalization. My journey was overwhelming at times, the pain seemed more than I could bear. I began the journey for my children - I knew that my emotional health was something that my children deserved. They deserved a mother that could give her best to them. Somewhere along the journey I realized that I too deserved the healing that would bring peace to my life.

As I continued on this journey, I became less and less able to handle the daily stresses of life and parenting. My husband stepped up and took over mothering and fathering for about a year. Every night I could hear him reassuring our kids that mom was going to be ok. He talked with them, had Bible study time nightly, and answered their questions the best he could. God helped him cope and helped me work through the process to healing.

My next major challenge was to put my degree to use and find a teaching job. Our kids were in Jr High I think. I had graduated in May of 1990 with my BS in Education and it was now 1995 and I began my search for an elementary teaching position. I did a lot of substitute teaching and finally was hired in 1998. I was a bit overwhelmed as a first year teacher. One of my children was a senior in high school and I did my best to balance senior activities with my job responsibilities. My husband was very supportive and helped me in any way I asked.

I should be clear here just in case I have given distorted picture. We continued to have our times of peace and times of conflict and misery. We both had selfish periods of time and had to re-adjust our focus repeatedly.

My next major challenge began around 2001. I began to have neurological symptoms that came and went. It was frightening. I didn't understand what was happening. Both of our children were in college by this time. I went to doctors and had tests run but no answers. I missed months of school. My symptoms progressed until I was unable to walk more than a few steps and had to use a wheelchair. This was the summer of 2003. I finally located a neurologist who did a thorough workup and diagnosed me with multiple sclerosis in August, 2003. He immediately put me in the hospital and treated me with IV solumedrol for 5 days. It worked! I was able to walk again and didn't need my wheelchair. My MS progressed with repeated flare-ups every 8-9 months. The IV treatments would help every time but not quite as much as the last time. Eventually, the treatment didn't help and I continued to use my wheelchair.

My husband wanted me to quit my job because he was concerned about my health. I knew that if I quit my job, I would battle with depression. He decided that if I was going to continue working, he would take over some of the duties at home. He began doing the cooking, grocery shopping and laundry. Then he added the cleaning! Like I said before, he has been very supportive of me.

Classroom teaching began to be too much for me physically, even with my hubby taking care of everything at home. God opened a door and I was given an opportunity to take the counselor's job at my school. What a blessing! The only catch was that I had to get my Master's degree in school counseling over a 3 year period. I started that summer and went full-time for two years while working full-time. I was on auto-pilot. I started having chronic bronchitis so that entailed at least one hospital stay each semester. I had to settle for a "B" in at least one class each semester. I didn't really care by now. I was more interested in what I learned and how I used it as I counseled students at school.

My next challenge was to deal with the 80 pounds I had gained from so many steroid treatments. At the beginning of 2008 I was 210 pounds! I couldn't believe it! Since I was in a wheelchair, I didn't have the option of exercise. We didn't have a pool and the Harding pool was too warm for me. (heat sensitivity is one the many symptoms of MS). I decided that I was going to limit my calories and over the next year I lost over 60 pounds.

I clearly remember Dan saying to me, "I don't think there is anything you can't do once you set your mind to do it" I'll admit it really felt good to hear him say that.

Working as a counselor was a dream job for me. It was not demanding physically and it was very rewarding. I've been blessed to be able to work several more years, resting up in the summers. This last year has been somewhat different. I have been extremely fatigued. I've had to consider the possibility of filing for disability. This is a struggle. I want to keep working but I can't live just to work. I have spent the last 3 months working and sleeping. I work, come home, rest, and go to sleep. I sleep most of Saturday and Sunday. I will be done in 2 days. This is hard for me. I have to face it but very slowly.

Goodness, I have rambled on and on! If you have read this far, you are a loyal reader.

Pictures coming soon of Rachel's visit.

Family, Friends, and life

My kids will be visiting very soon and I am so happy. My daughter and her two boys will be here next weekend and my son and his wife and two boys will be here in early June. I love my kids. I love their spouses. I LOVE my grandsons!! I have loved getting to know them and watching their individual, amazing personalities develop.

I've also been blessed with good friends but lately I haven't felt like a good friend. I just read a blog post that seemed as if the writer was reading my mind. As much as I wish they were my words and I could put them here, I'll have to settle for you going to her blog to understand. Read #6.

School is ending soon and while I love my job, I can't wait!!! This year I am more tired here at the end of school than I remember being any other year. I didn't work when my kids were young, in fact I got my college degree exactly 20 years after my high school degree, almost to the day. When I leave school each day, I ignore my plans and drive straight home. I miss my friends from Wednesday small group but I seem unable to force myself to go out again. It's been weeks!!

I am still sad about my legs. It seems ridiculous when I consider the facts. For 5 years I have needed to use my wheelchair for any distance beyond the length of a room. I was used to it and never gave it a second thought for years. I have a scooter for around town and a motorized chair for work so what's the problem? Well, for almost 3 months, I had not needed a wheelchair at all. I was able to walk the entire distance of our school over and over. I could walk several blocks and not have a problem. It happened gradually. I was at school and my legs felt stronger so I walked the distance from my office to one classroom and back. The next day I did it several times then it increased daily until I was walking all over our campus. I began walking into restaurants, stores, etc. It was great and I never felt like my legs were giving out on me - until the middle of April. One morning as I was walking around my house, I could feel that my legs were getting heavy again. I tried not to worry, surely it won't last long. It's been 3 weeks now.

Think about it! I had limited use of my legs for 5 YEARS, so what's the big deal? I already have the scooter and motorized chair. The three months were a gift. Be grateful and move on!! I think I've done that until I mention it or someone at school asks about my legs.

It's not that I don't realized how blessed my life has been.

It's . . . well it's, . . . um . . . I'm not sure what it is, I just hope I get over it and move on.

That's been my mantra all these years-- take time to grieve, assess the situation, decide what I CAN do, do it, and then move on.

Maybe I just needed to put it down in words.

"The World is Crying"

I read those words on facebook today and they express what I am feeling and could not find words of my own to use.

It rained all night and has rained all day today. Each drop is like the fallen tears of the many people who grieve for the Rine family. I can not imagine their grief. I can not fathom their emptiness at losing their daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, etc. I can not begin to grasp their rage at Thomas.

How could Thomas believe Satan's lies and choose to do something so tragic He obviously wanted his life to change. Now the lives of Thomas, his family, and all of Micah's family and friends are changed forever.

Prayer Request

Micah Rine Pate, the daughter of Dennis and Terri Rine and wife of Thomas Pate, is missing. She and Thomas live in Bartlett, TN, a suburb of Memphis. A missing persons report was filed late last night and the police are searching for her. She went for a run at 8:30 last night and has not been heard from or seen since. She left her vehicle, purse, cell phone and keys at the house.

Please pray for her safe return.

"Micah is missing" When I read those words I was stricken with the same terror for Dennis and Terri that I felt when my own children were small and I could not find them for 5 long seconds in the store. Once Michael was at my side and then slipped underneath the round clothing display. He was playing and I was terrified until I located him.

I never realized as a young parent that it does not change because your children grow up. Their well-being remains uppermost in my mind and anything less than their safety is terrifying.

Please pray for Micah and her family.