The Middle Wife

It was time for show-n-tell and Erica, a very bright, outgoing seven-year-old, came to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She held up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”

She's stood there with her hands on the pillow, and the teacher was trying not to laugh and wishing she had her camcorder that day. The kids were watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom started saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!” Erica put a hand behind her back and groaned.

“She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!” Now Erica is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (Now Erica has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.’

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. “

“He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

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Another teacher sent me this story and I am still laughing about it. I couldn’t resist posting it here. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.